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meandmine
writes: Hi, I am new to this site and i have joined because i really need some advice from someone impartial (unlike my mother!)my second child is going to be 3 in february and he has a different father from my first child. unfortunately i thought his father had changed (i have known him for 15 years) but after my son was conceived his father was sent to prison and was only released when my son was 3 months old. since then he has been in and out of my sons life, has let him down more times than i care to remember, been abusive to me (not physical) and upset my daughter who is 5.after no communication for 4 weeks and no maintenance he has now given me 2 weeks money and demanded to see my children. this is fairly common place so far.i don't want my son to grow up not knowing his father but i also don't want him to grow up being let down by the very person he should be able to count on.so, my question is, do i let the father of my gorgeous boy carry on doing as he pleases and cope with the tantrums and sleepless nights from my son when he is let down and upset or put a stop to it now and hope that my son understands why when he is older?! i look forward to hearing some different views on this very explosive subject! Reply to this Question |
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reader, meandmine +, writes (7 December 2006):
meandmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou so much for your views. it is good to have a mans point of view as well rachael so thanks for asking your partner.
i will take your advice and talk to him sensibly and lay out exactly what the rules are and if he breaks them then, as you say, he had his chance.
thankyou again for taking the time to reply.
wish me luck
nina xx
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female
reader, rachael123  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 very tricky situation.I am a mother myself and instantly though to say keep this jerk out of his life.But then i spoke to my partner who put another perspective on it.Your son does deserve to know his father but under strict quidlines from you. first of al id say (if you can) forget the money for the time being and get this sorted out. i would say to his father he is first of all to see his son in the hours you specify, no overnoght access and see how this goes. tell him he has to regain your trust first before anything else. then after a few months of this ask him fo money or go to the csa and he wont have a choice. if his visits in any way upset your son or he steps out of line once go to a lawyer. if he really wants to see his son he will fight all the way and then you will know.a lawyer can write a letter to him for a small fee stating visitation rights and asking him to stop this abusive behavior. if this does not work and hes still a jerk well hes had his chance hasnt he? and when your son grows up and wants to know why he cant see his dad you can tell him that atleast you tried and you gave him a chance. i hope this helps you! rachael xx
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reader, Jovial  + ♥, writes (5 December 2006):
 hi there
it is very explosive as u may say, but nothing one can handle right? im sorry about ur situation, unfortunately i dont think even if u try to put a stop on it now it will definitely end there is too much emotional scars and bruises incurred every moment he comes around, people like this have no ears to listen and no moral sense, but maybe if u try to sit him down without fighting him back he might listen he has been in prison and instead of changing his lifestyle he became worse which means he is not afraid of anything, when he comes around giving u the maintainance money refuse the money and tell him u can only take it in one condition if u sit down and talk like adults bcos ur kids need a loving caring father not just an ATM. u have been a good mother to ur children up to so far and u cant allow a looser like him to jeopardize that u and ur children deserve some peace and tranquility at ur own home.
calmly allow him to talk, shout or get angry and tell him (even though u dont understand) u understand how he feels but the conversation is not about him but the children if he claims to be the loving father that he says he is he need to make a decision its either he leaves and not see the children until he is fit to be a good father so that he can be a good role model for his son or he can change his attitude towards life and be a father the children deserve, this way u will have given him enough rope to hang himself, he wont bother u anylonger man like him are only pleased with themselves when they see how hurting woman are in their own twisted way they think they own her and she need them in her life. Act as if everything is okay and u will beat him at his own game, he wont know what u are thinking and it will really make him uncomfortable to keep desrecting u.
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