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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, can anyone advise me on my daughter? She is nearly 16 and is usually a lovely sunny, happy girl, but occasionally she binge drinks and becomes unconscious and goes out for whole weekends lying to me about where she is going. These weekends away are annoying because she gives me telephone numbers of 'parents' where she is staying; these turn out to be people she has asked to pretend to be parents, and in reality she is staying with boys/men she has met on the net. Last night we learnt she had gone many miles by train to a dangerous area to be with a 20 yr old man! We called the police who found and returned her but she feels that she has done nothing wrong!!Anyone got any ideas about punishment/trying to get her to see that this isnt good behaviour? Her father is no help, we have been divorced for many years and dont see eye to eye; whenever she has done bad things in the past he has just phoned the authorities who just ask me whether I am a fit mother, so that isnt helpful. Its no point grounding her as she is reaching an age now where I can no longer issue punishments like that and she needs to know proper behaviour. Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Jennie Wilson +, writes (23 October 2006):
Hi, it sounds to me like your daughter, like many other young teenagers began experimenting with alcohol at a young age and decided she liked the funny feeling of being a little tipsy but now she has become uncontrolable with alcohol which is often the case. People drink themselves into oblivion to get away from their problems but ultimately it makes them worse as I'm sure you know. However I think you should sit your daughter down and tell her very frankly about the dangers of alcohol, tell her you love her and you are very worried for her safety. I think counselling may be a good idea as often people open up to complete strangers better than they do to their family or friends. Restrict her access to the internet. You cannot play around with this as what she is doing is very dangerous.Find out how to put parental restrictions on your computer.Ultimately your daughter loves you but she is going through a bad stage in her life and she doesn't know how to let you know. Her behaviour sounds like a cry for help and you as her parent are the best person to advise her, be strong and take control of her, she will come round eventually. Jen.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  + ♥, writes (9 October 2006):
 She is 16 not 60...my mother would have flogged me around the streets had I behaved this way...not that I am advocating you do that! If you give her pocket money then you are enabling her alcohol addiction - if she drinks herself unconscious then she is already damaging her brain, kidneys and liver and you will be having her sectioned or put in a box in a few years time. She lives in your house and should live by your rules - take her computer and door key away (she could be meeting Charles Manson one night off the net!) as you paid for it after all or put it in a communal place with a password so you can see what she is doing. If she can walk in at any time of the night or day no wonder she is treating the place like a hotel - make her take responsibility for herself by doing her own housework and getting a job to pay for her leisure activities. It may make her grow up if she has to go to work on a thumping hangover.
Get her some counselling for her drinking - she is obviously a very unhappy girl and is looking for attention from strange men and a bottle of vodka...there are lots of young persons counsellors who can help with these problems. More importantly, take control of the situation - don't throw your hands in the air and say 'she is 16 so cannot be punished'...she is still a little girl even if she doesn't want to believe that and you have a fundamental responsibility to protect her from the bad things in the world as far as you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): My heart goes out to you.
I have mothered 5 and have had similar problems.
Firstly grounding IS an option. Whilst she is with you in your home and until she is eighteen she is still in your care. You CAN and dare I suggest you SHOULD, ground her to start with, especially if she is still at school and in the last year of exam study or at college.
This is purely for her own safety.
How does she get the money for drink and travel? If from you stop giving it to her. Explain firmly why.
Explain she has lost your trust by telling lies and she will have to to become more responsible and adult before you give her total freedom again.
If you are worried she may run away, then discuss this option calmly with her. She may be manipulating the situation between your husband and yourself and knows exactly how to press the right buttons to get her own way.
You HAVE to be strong and protect her from herself.
If she is working then that is more difficult.
Try seaching for professional help on line to give you ideas for strategies. There may be cousellors locally that can mediate between you and your daughter.
I have been wicked stepmother over and over again!! But I am consistant... I ALWAYS carry out threats, but temper this with compromise. It is hard. She will state how she hates your stances. But in the long run ..and it IS a long and rocky run, she will be safe and grow out of this unreasonable behaviour.
Stick with it...be strong...She will love you the more for it.
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A
female
reader, SassySarah +, writes (18 September 2006):
Hi
I had a problem with my little boy (5) running out in the road so i searched on the net for some pic's of someone getting run over, it was not detailed or gross in any way but since then he has never run in the road again.
The point to my story is that may be you could find something to help you illustrate the dangers to your daughter. This is going to be much harder for you as most teenagers are strong minded but i hope you find this helps you out.
Good luck
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