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writes: please help!!!!i am 23 and a single mum to my 4 yr old daughter, from a young age she has been a whinger and cries over the smallest thing and i dont mean because she cant have her own way or because she is tired, it is over anything you can think of, it is very frustrating because it is all the time, i have tried talking to her and asking why she has to cry when she asks for something she says "i dont know" and cries even more. please can you give me advice on controlling this? Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, goldilox +, writes (3 September 2006):
Be careful of punishing or scolding her for crying. Although you may not know why she is crying, and she says she doesn't know why she is crying - it doesn't mean there is no reason, or that she is just being difficult.
You say: "...from a young age she has been a whinger..."
which indicates you have a very specific image of her and have labeled her accordingly.
Children will always strive to live up to the beliefs we have of them. If you believe your daughter is "a whinger" there is no chance of her becoming anything else. You will be sub-conciously giving her the message that she is a whinger, and that that means she whinges and cries for no reason. She will, without knowing it, do exactly that.
This may be why she doesn't know why she is crying.
If you punish her or scold her for crying because you see no reason to cry or "whinge", you risk giving her the message that 1. she is a "whinger" and 2. it is not safe to show her feelings.
The fact that she doesn't know why she's crying doesn't mean there is no reason.
When she cries or complains "for no reason" be compassionate, be gentle and understanding. Try not to show impatience or frustration. As you've experienced, this makes her cry more. Comfort her. You don't have to know why she is crying - at these times when there appears to be no reason, just hold her, and comfort her. She may just need some reassurance of your love.
Then... make sure you give her plenty of positive attention and affection when she is not crying/ whinging.
Try to never call her a "whinger". If you want her to be happy and confident, tell her that's what she is. Focus on the moments when she shows the behaviour you approve of, and tell her at that time, "You're such a sweet and happy child" - and in time, she will become exactly what you tell her you believe she is.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (19 August 2006):
 She is coming to an age where she will respond very well to the 'naughty chair' and star chart methods. She knows that you are giving her attention (albeit negative) when she cries and perhaps she doesn't get so much attention when she is good (all parents forget to praise children when they are not misbehaving), she stills gets something from you being cross when she cries and asking her about it. She sounds like a little girl who might respond well to a star chart for good behaviour and you take stars away when she cries without good cause (but have to be consistent with the method). She doesn't know why she cries at 4 - her brain is not sufficiently developed at her age to understand her own emotions and she is starting to come to an age where she should be developing some impulse control. At 4 she is able to understand the concept of a star chart and many children respond very well to this. Every time she is sent to the naughty chair (which should be in another room away from your family activity) for no more than 4 mins per session, then she loses a star. If she collects so many stars in a week - she gets a small prize. It will teach her the right sort of discipline that is required when she starts school.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): When she whines, tune her out. Do not respond to her whining. Tell her very calmly that you will only listen to her when she speaks normally and be consistent with it. She'll get the idea, believe me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): i am also a 23 year old single mum of a 2 year old and in my experience i have realised that when my daughter moans like that its usually because she needs a nap. My daughter sleeps around 15 hours sleep each night but she also goes for an hours sleep through the day but sometimes she will moan and moan and when i put her to bed she will go down for 2 or 3 hours.
Another reason could be emotion, if you as a parent are quite down or worried even though you may not show it your child can still pick up on your feelings which could cause your childs emotion.
I hope this Helps
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