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female
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anonymous
writes: My son is six and I am in a relationship with someone for the last 18months who is in the army and based in Germany but he comes over whenever he can. I am finding that the two males in my life are winding each other up and I get put in the middle causing stress all round. Would be grateful for any advice or just to know if anyone else has gone through similar experience. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BlueSilver +, writes (11 September 2006):
I really don't think you should ignore anything from a 6year-old. I DO think you are right to get lots of opinions and weigh up the advise from all sources, which you are doing.
Ignoring, and hoping that the 6year old, and the adult male he sees occasionally, will work it out, is surely wishful gambling at best and not active parenting.
One leaves puppies in the park to "sort it out" or two adults at a party - but not two anythings where it involves the home and family of one or both.
It would also not be a great attitude to your boyfriend to not support him in getting on with your son. I wouldn't expect my partner to favour me over his children but I would hope we were all committed to communicating and be considerate about each other's feelings and discuss if something bothered us.
Telling your 6year old not to come to you about it is, I believe, really not good. If not his mum, who? he's 6.
A young creature on red-alert over someone taking an interest in his mum is not unusual nor is it silly - it is nature. Humans can talk and reason and help each other understand stuff - so why not use that - ignoring is not a tool - it is a hope, that whatever it is will go away - just a hope. It is the only thing puppies and plants have but luckily we are humans with the tool of reason. Yes even for 6year olds.
Think of a time in your life, maybe as a child or teenager,(or adult) when you really needed to talk to someone over a serious concern of yours. You were apprehensive about talking to someone, but you found someone who seemed to really understand how you felt. They did not make you feel like you were being silly (even if you look back now and think it was actually trivial) they took you seriously and worked with you on a helpful plan to overcome (not TOLD you what to do about it.) Some people who advised you were great and empowered and inspired you - others just made you feel that you were being silly - which is best? Which person did you have a closer bond with and aspire to please? It's the same for 6year olds.
Just to know that your mum understands how you feel and is going to help you work on a plan to feel better helps. Its great that you told him.
Explain to him that you also have or had a mum and dad and maybe brothers and sisters and that love is not divided like a cake. If he gets a new toy does he love you less? or if he meets a new friend at school, or a nice teacher or a cute puppy. So if you get a new friend or boyfriend you do not love him less. You need to share time, yes, but not love.
Love is like taking a cup full of air out of a bucket. More just takes its place. When you explain it be very natural and sincere and sure of yourself so that he will be sure of what you are saying.
I also think it is very important that he knows that it is normal to feel what he feels and it is okay to feel like that and that lots of children feel like that when their mum or dad gets a new partner, and to talk about it with you whenever he needs to. He should also know that although it is normal to feel that way - it is not necessary and he can tell himself when he feels anxious "Its okay to feel like this but its not necessary". We know it is normal to "pee", but we learn that it is nicer for everyone, including ourselves when we train ourselves to do it in a toilet. Same with emotions. Emotional potty training needn't be traumatic. But I think it will certainly be if it's ignored.
In closing I agree with the person who said delaying introducing new partners to children is good. I think if they are introduced as a friend /boyfriend but only see friend type interaction that should be okay. If both your child and partner have clear expectations of how your time is divided there will be no need for bidding and battling and trying to win it. They no up front what time is theirs and that those times will be honoured.
But, if your partner starts doing certain parent type things with your child and the child bonds with them and the relationship does not last, then I fully agree that the child is highly likely to have bonding issues in the future. But on the other hand you cannot always foresee this one unless you are psychic. In my opinion you can put your children's safety, physical and emotional welfare first without sacrificing yourself. What child would want that of their parent? One can be considerate, generous and kind without sacrificing left right and centre. Be fair to all involved -including yourself.
I think active structuring of your time with each of them will make them both feel more secure. If YOU feel like piggy in the middle, no wonder they don't know where they stand. They are both looking to you for reassurance of where they stand with you and they feel that you feel unsure and torn between the two. Of course it is the division of time that your are torn about but to them it feels like the division of love that you are unsure about. So even if you feel torn, act like you don't.
Work out a plan of fair time spent with each of them and time spent with all of you together. Then when you are confident of what you believe is right for all of you, ask your son to help you work out a fair plan of time spent with them both - it is much easier to get him to give a little when you are asking for his advise, not telling him what time he cant have with you. Tell your son 2day before your boyfriend comes to visit so that he can come to terms with it and ask questions over the next few days and become accustom to the plan.
P.S. I'm not saying be wishy-washy and let your son rule - it is possible to be very firm while also being gentle and understanding. "Saving" children from problems does not teach them to cope - leaving them to get on with their own problems and "not be a baby" does not teach them to cope either it teaches them to not show compassion to others. Working on the problem together teaches them to seek advise and weigh it up and communicate and to still feel in charge of their problem even when getting help.
Asking, listening, thinking and confidently presenting a plan, changes you from "Piggy in the Middle" to Team Leader, Prime negotiator, The wise one ;)
Remember - even if your plan doesn't work so well - it is better than no plan - at least they will feel they were important enough for you to work on a plan.
A
female
reader, greenham +, writes (6 September 2006):
i also have a 6yr old son and have been living with my partner for 1yr. I have expereinced similar problems. So i appreciate how it is to be "piggy in the middle". i found that my 6yr old felt a little threatened by a new man in my life. so i told him he was my number 1 as he was my baby and grew in my tummy. which makes him special. i said i loved my partner but it was a different type of love. it did make a difference but every now and then they do still bicker. but thats males for you!
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A
female
reader, goldilox +, writes (3 September 2006):
Could you clarify what you mean by "winding each other up"? There may be ways of easing the situation, depending on what the dynamic actually is.
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (26 August 2006):
 It is a good rule of thumb for single parents for the mental well being of their child, to not have their dating partners meet their children until it get serious enough that marriage is on the table. Children don't understand breaking up, and just see it as another person leaving them behind. This also makes the child extremely reluctant to accept the next person in their parent's life.
Your relationship might be at marital possibility for you but your son needs a more constant male role model in his life to accept him.
Until your son has the consistent time he needs to build that relationship you will be constantly in the middle.
Sooner or later you will be put in a position to choose between them, if that hasn't already happened.
Just remember you are your son's whole world, and just the girlfriend to the other man. The correct choice is to be an adult, be a good parent and do what is best for your son even if it hurts you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): the best thing to do is ignore it, don't get involved and ask your son to stop coming to you over it, they probably need to spend quality time together as he sees that when ever your boyfriend comes home he gets less attention
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